Useful articles
This is one of my favourite articles, entitled “why am I always like this?” which sums up how a lot of us feel! Steven Hayes (an ACT guru) uses evolutionary psychology to explain some common questions we all ask ourselves, such as “why do we often worry about imaginary problems in the future, even though we know they will most likely never happen anyway? Or why do we care so much what complete strangers think of us; people we have never met before and will probably never meet again?
What is your personal definition of happiness?
“Regardless of where you are on the happiness spectrum, each person has their own way of defining happiness. Philosophers, actors, politicians, and everybody in between have all weighed in on their own view of happiness.”
Have a look in the article and see if you can relate!
Another article by Steven Hayes (can you tell I’m a fan) about a ‘quick and simple exercise to get the benefits of meditation.’ Sounds really good doesn’t it?!
Although as a psychologist it is so clear to me how beneficial meditation is, and how much science supports the real physical, mental, and emotional changes it can make, I often forget! I instead practice this trick, to help me slow down and be present.
why dont breathing techniques work for me?
I hear this, or some variation of this, a LOT. I tried breathing … it didn’t work. or, my old counsellor told me to breathe … i didn’t like it. I think that this is because clients are being taught breathing exercises for the wrong purpose - to get rid of anxiety or panic, which actually in my eyes should not be the indented use. Broadly speaking, we can do things in the pursuit of something, or in the avoidance of something - for example, a bunny rabbit can be running. The rabbit can be running TOWARDS some food, or his bunny lover, or he can be running AWAY from a loud noise or a threat. Same behaviour, completely different experience, intention, and outcome. If we are breathing to try and get rid of a feeling of anxiety, there is no guarantee this will have the desired effect. It will probably help, but it wont take away 100% of that feeling. If we use breathing instead to centre ourselves, steel ourselves, pause, think, and then take a metaphorical step TOWARDS the thing that matters to us, then that is a more worthy use of the breathing tool. With this change of intention, we are more able to see think feel and act clearly, in a situation where we need to make a decision or respond to the thing that make us anxious in the first place, rather than just want to run away. This TOWARDS response is a lot more helpful than the AWAY response, when we all have heaps of stuff we cant avoid!
How do I know its time to go to therapy for my anxiety?
Anxiety itself is not always a bad thing, but it can cast a shadow over you, affecting your life in nearly every way. But how do you know when it's time to seek therapy for your anxiety? My first answer is that if you think you might need therapy – you are a HUMAN and everyone can benefit from good therapy, it doesn’t mean there is necessarily anything wrong with you (or that there needs to be) to justify going!
However, here are some signs that it might be time to book yourself in 😊
1. Overwhelming Worry and Fear:
Persistent, overwhelming worry and fear that disrupt your daily life could signal the need for therapy.
2. Physical Symptoms:
If anxiety causes physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, tension, or digestive issues, or things like headache, nausea, and exhaustion.
3. Avoidance:
Are you avoiding people, places, or situations due to anxiety? Therapy can help you address and manage these triggers.
4. Daily Life Impact:
When anxiety disrupts your work, social life, or daily activities, therapy can provide you with tools to regain control.
5. Negative Thought Patterns:
Constant negative self-talk and irrational thoughts may indicate the need for therapy to reframe and manage these thought patterns.
6. Sleep Problems:
Frequent nightmares, insomnia, or restless sleep linked to anxiety are no fun, and can be addressed through therapy.
7. Procrastination and Avoidance:
If anxiety leads to procrastination and avoidance of responsibilities, therapy can offer valuable coping strategies.
8. Relationship Struggles:
Anxiety often strains relationships and communication; seeking therapy can improve communication and foster healthier connections.
9. Feeling Overwhelmed:
Feelings of being or on the brink of panic, quite often, are a clear sign that therapy can provide guidance.
10. You have tried heaps of stuff yourself:
If self-help techniques haven't had the desired results, let a professional help?
In conclusion, if this rang a few bells for you, send me an email and lets get cracking 😊
How many people in New Zealand go to therapy?
I thought it might be helpful to write on this, given that “needing to go to therapy” can be seen and felt as such a big thing, and associated with a lot of stigma. Not to mention, scary, and its usually HARD to find a therapist in your area accepting new clients etc etc.
Here are some figures/graphs showing how many people accessed help for their mental health in recent years:
This image shows that more than 500,000 People per year in NZ have consulted their GP or nurse about a mental health issue … thats a lot of people wanting help!
Why is it so hard to get into therapy?
Its no secret that times have gotten tougher in a few key ways over the past decade, and its also no secret that getting into therapy hasn’t gotten any easier either. There is a troubling shortage of therapists (psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists etc) in New Zealand. Covid really didn’t help. This article is a good read if you want to know more:
https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/300564423/the-troubling-therapist-shortage-in-nz--why-we-cant-find-help
There aren’t many of us Psychologists trained each year in NZ, in my year group there was 7. It takes about 7-8 years (minimum) to become qualified as a Psychologist, and its highly competitive to get into the programs. Because we usually get into the business of wanting to change the world (well, I did) we want to work in the public sector. But lots of us have our own private practices, where we get to have some freedom and autonomy over our workload, and get paid directly for the hard work we are doing, using our favourite skills and pursuing our passions. After 8+ years in the public sector, I have started my own practice where I can do all the things I do best, and flexibly offer therapy in times, durations, and intensities that suit people like you.
Could your breakup be a bit of a Wake-Up Call?
Breakups aren’t just about ending a relationship with someone else—they’re also about uncovering the relationship you have with yourself. Every connection you’ve had with someone acts as a mirror, reflecting back the patterns you’ve created, the wounds you haven’t healed, and the parts of yourself you’ve neglected. When those relationships come to an end, you’re often left staring at the rawest parts of yourself.
So, what is your breakup showing you?
This isn’t a rhetorical question. It’s one of the most important questions you can ask yourself. Every breakup gives us two options: we can either repeat the same patterns and end up in the same emotional cycles, or we can wake up, break the cycle, and finally create the relationships we truly deserve.
In their book Break Up. On Purpose, John Kim explores the concept that breakups are more than just heartache—they’re opportunities to examine the patterns we’ve been repeating for years. These aren’t just romantic patterns; they’re emotional patterns rooted in our earliest experiences with love, attachment, and self-worth. They’ve shaped who we are in relationships, but they don’t have to define us forever.
Why Patterns Matter
Have you ever noticed that your relationships seem to end for the same reasons? Maybe you’re constantly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. Maybe you stay too long in toxic dynamics, hoping things will change. Or maybe, no matter how hard you try, you feel like you’re always giving more than you’re receiving.
These patterns are not random, and they didn’t start with your most recent breakup. They’ve been with you for years, likely tied to deeper emotional wounds that have never fully healed. But here’s the thing—once you become aware of your patterns, you can change them. And your breakup is the perfect wake-up call to start that process.
The good news is, you don’t have to keep repeating the same mistakes. But first, you have to understand what those mistakes are and where they’re coming from.
Recognizing Your Patterns
In Break Up. On Purpose, John Kim walks you through a series of exercises designed to help you identify the relationship patterns that have been holding you back. These exercises aren’t about blaming yourself or feeling ashamed. They’re about giving you the tools to see your patterns clearly and make conscious, empowered choices moving forward.
Ask yourself:
Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships, always prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own?
Do you find yourself drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, and then end up feeling abandoned when they don’t commit?
Are you constantly seeking validation from your partner, using their approval to feel worthy or loved?
These are just a few examples of the patterns that can emerge in relationships.
This is your moment to ask the tough questions: Why do I keep attracting the same type of partner? Why do I feel the need to prove my worth through relationships? What are these patterns trying to teach me about myself?
The Power of Self-Reflection
Once you’ve identified your patterns, the next step is self-reflection. It’s not enough to simply recognize the patterns—you have to understand what they’re teaching you. Dig deep and explore the root cause of your relationship patterns. This involves asking the right questions:
What are these patterns revealing about the parts of yourself that need healing?
Are there unresolved emotional wounds from your past that you’ve been carrying into each new relationship?
How can you use this breakup as a transformative moment, rather than a painful setback?
Here’s the Truth: The Breakup Isn’t the Problem—It’s the Wake-Up Call.
It’s the universe’s way of telling you that it’s time to break old habits and create new, healthier ones. It’s a reminder that you can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. This is your chance to step into your power to rewrite your story and to finally show up for yourself in a way you’ve always deserved.
Healing From the Inside Out
Healing doesn’t come from finding a new partner to replace the old one. It comes from recognizing the parts of yourself that have been neglected or wounded, and committing to healing them. When you begin to do this work—when you take your breakup as an opportunity to finally face the parts of yourself that need love and attention—you stop repeating the same cycles. You stop settling for less than you deserve. You stop attracting people who mirror your unhealed wounds.
Instead, you start attracting people who reflect your growth, your worth, and your newfound strength.
This article is written by John Kim, for Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/the-angry-therapist/202410/breaking-old-patterns-why-your-breakup-is-a-wake-up-call